The Protector of my Emotions
Photo by Kier in Sight Archives
“That is not your responsibility.”
I sighed. My mind had wandered to an injustice that was outside my ability to influence.
“They are not accountable to you.”
This time I was obsessing over someone who was wrong on the internet.
“That is not yours to grieve.”
Social media had delivered me a heartbreak that was outside my ability to help.
“We’re here now.”
My mind had wandered to a selfish mistake from my past, one that I had already apologized for and could now do nothing to change.
I am continually having such conversations with myself.
I have often asked God why He made me so empathetic and detail-oriented, with a memory long enough to rival an elephant. And the truth is that He made me in His image. All of those are just tiny expressions of His empathy and His attention to detail and His memory that remembers every form of every atom since the creation of the universe.
The challenge then becomes to steward the personality traits He gave me responsibly, and in my case, that looks a lot like managing my emotions. When an emotion lingers and whimpers with consistency, I notice it for the warning that it is and take the time to sit down and try to sort it out.
But more frequently these days, I find myself not taking my emotions seriously. I often find it helpful to treat them like whining, fretful toddlers and ignore their pleading cries in order to focus on higher priorities. Oftentimes I am simply hungry or tired. Often, my biochemically anxious mind is trying to find reasons to feel sad.
Self-control is the friend of love.
All of the phrases that I told you at the beginning tie into this: practicing self-control for the purpose of showing love.
When I focus on the present, it grounds me:
What am I seeing/hearing/feeling/sensing?
Where am I?
Who is in front of me?
What should I be focusing on right now?
Anxiety tries to take me to the past or the future or to someone I can’t even help anymore. When I focus on my responsibility in the present moment it pushes that anxiety away (which is easier said than done when it’s biochemical), even if my responsibility in that moment is to myself.
I have a responsibility to God to steward my body. If I am resting, I need to guide my thoughts to something that will calm me. I often watch a slow-paced YouTube video to help me shift into a calmer mode. It is especially in these quiet spaces that the mind tends to wander. And while there are those who need to prioritize self-reflection instead of running away from their emotions, historically that is my natural tendency and too much self-focus can lead to obsession and depression.
This is how I have learned to steward my thoughts and how self-control became the protector of my emotions.
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